Ripped From Tomorrow's Headlines

First a note:

In addition to my regular Friday posts on this blog, I will also start contributing to Bitmob in the future. Those posts will probably be less regular (or maybe just less predictable) than these, and I may engage in reposting if I write something here that I am particularly proud of, or if I run out of ideas. But basically I'll still be here, but you can check me out there too. And if I haven't posted anything, there's plenty of other good stuff to read.

And now, on with the show.

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Nintendo Announces Next Console
Company promises "First gaming experience for absolutely everyone"

KYOTO, Japan - Videogame giant Nintendo, manufacturers of the immensely popular Wii console, shocked the industry this week by announcing that it was nearing completion of an entirely new platform. Known internally as "Excalibur," the new hardware was unveiled Thursday morning amidst fanfare, hooplah, and stunned silence.

"I am pleased to announce the next revolution in videogames," said Nintendo president Satoru Iwata, once the dozens of white doves released at his entrance were rounded up. "With this console, we have finally realized our goal of creating a game experience with no obstacles, no barriers to entry. This is truly the first gaming experience for absolutely everyone."

To demonstrate his point, Iwata then lifted a white sheet covering the table beside him to reveal the hardware itself, which looks like a large single-slot toaster with an enormous red button on it.

"The Wii allowed us to create game experiences that brought people together like never before," Iwata continued. "But it wasn't perfect. Some people were still turned off by complicated motion controls and difficult objectives. This new system has neither. In fact, it has no controller at all. The days of having to hold something in your hand to have a meaningful entertainment experience are over. All you have to do is place the software into the console, press the button, and watch the game play itself. No pressure. No need to think. Just you."

Iwata then concluded, saying, "Please allow me to introduce you to the Nintendo Yoo."

In the Q&A that followed, Iwata explained the console's unconventional name (which, in a step up from the name of the current Nintendo console, is pronounced exactly as it is spelled): "Yoo is the next step in entertainment for everyone. Yoo will provide experiences that anyone, regardless of age, gender, physical ability, or vitality, can enjoy. Wii accomplished a lot, but now it's all about Yoo."

Nintendo also announced several dozen titles for the Yoo, all of which will be available at launch. Among them were Thimble Adventures, Book of Poko: The Movie: The Game, and Ninjabread Man 2: The Breadening. However, the biggest shock of the day came when Iwata announced that Nintendo had just signed a deal with Kojima Productions to bring a new version of last year's blockbuster Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots exclusively to the Yoo.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Superfluous will feature dozens of hours of increasingly ridiculous cutscenes and absolutely no gameplay. Hideo Kojima joined Iwata onstage to present the game.

"The future has become the present, and will soon be the past," Kojima said. "It is time for all of us to create a new future, before the old future becomes the new present. This game will do that. Also, it will grant wishes to the pure of heart."

Kojima concluded, "Yoo who? Yoo. That's who," before leaping twenty feet into the air and disappearing behind a roof beam.

We contacted top names in the gaming industry for their thoughts on Nintendo's announcement.

Justin McElroy, Joystiq: "First Demo Play, now this. Nintendo's an effing joke. Why didn't they just make a DVD player? Oh, wait. They did."

Mark Rein, Epic Games: "Fuck this casual shit. Epic is never making games for that system...what do you mean, nobody asked us to?"

Tim Schafer, Double Fine: "Who gave you this number?"

John Davison, What They Play: "My kids think this is the stupidest thing they've ever seen. And they've played Wii Music."

Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime could not be reached for comment, possibly because he could not hear us asking for his thoughts from atop his enormous pile of money.

Representatives from industry rivals Microsoft and Sony held a joint press conference Thursday afternoon, at which they said that they "Wish Nintendo luck in their new venture." They then stood silently on stage for several seconds before bursting into laughter and enthusiastically high-fiving each other.
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In the Beginning...

...I purchased a subscription to the Official US Playstation Magazine. And it was good. But then there came a time when OPM was no more, and so my subscription was transferred to Electronic Gaming Monthly.

And it was also good.

But lo, time passed, and I found my subscription was about to lapse, so I went online and filled out a renewal. And I thought it was good.

And then the magazine shut down.

Then came much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and questions about what exactly was going to happen to my twenty dollars, which EGM had already charged to my credit card though there were but few days between my renewal and the announcement of the UGO buyout. But those questions went unanswered, and the twenty dollars were feared to be lost forever.

And there came a time when I went unto my mailbox, to discover what it had for me, and behold! it had a copy of Maxim. And I asked my mailbox Why do you give me this? And the mailbox was silent, because silence is its wisdom.

So I looked at the cover of Maxim, which featured boobies, and it was revealed unto me that my magazine subscription had been transferred once more, and I thought briefly that there must certainly be some very pissed-off female gamers standing at their mailboxes just that moment. And I felt a great sadness.

And so I knew that I had been visited by a great Evil, and that I must cast it hence, and so I went inside and attempted to locate a toll-free number inside the magazine, which featured even more boobies. And hark! the number was found, and so I took up my phone and I dialed the one, and the eight, and the zero, and the second zero, and all the numbers that followed, and spoke with a representative in Subscription Services.

And I explained unto her that I had subscribed to EGM, and had then been subscribed to Maxim, and that I did not want to be subscribed to Maxim, and she said We will mail you a refund, and I said Thank you, and then I cast the unwanted magazine down to live amongst the rest of the recycling, until such time as I would take it up and go down the street and place it in the appropriate bin for collection.

More time passed, and one day I went unto my mailbox again to discover what it had for me, and behold! it had a check for twenty-four dollars.

And there was much rejoicing.
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Gaming Maladies, Part Three: Save-itis


Save-itis (n.) - Mental inflammation caused by exposure to games with faulty save systems. Carriers of Save-itis are usually identified by the following symptoms:
1.) Excessive distance between save points.
2.) Long levels with no checkpoints.
3.) Lack of autosave.
4.) Refusal to let the player save whenever he or she damn well wants to.

Provided Save-itis is diagnosed quickly and all blunt/sharp objects are removed from the patient's vicinity, the disease is quite treatable, and has a nearly 95% survival rate. Effective treatments include meditation, software transfusions, and going outside.

Modern science has identified three types of Save-itis:

Type A: Software-Driven Save-itis (aka "Effing Bullcrap!" Save-itis)

Type-A Save-itis occurs after a gamer is exposed to software exhibiting any combination of the characteristics listed above. These are games that, through incompetence of design or overconfidence in the abilities of their players, either fill the spaces between save points with tasks of varying degrees of impossibility, or make these spaces so wide that a player cannot successfully navigate them without a good night's sleep, a case of energy drinks, and a colostomy.

Other carriers of Type-A Save-itis force players to go so far out of their way to save their progress that the act of saving becomes inconvenient, and players are forced to either play the same portion of the game over and over, or yo-yo back and forth between missions and save points. When made to pick between these two options, many players choose to play a different game.

Side effects include paranoia, swearing, fidgeting, and keeping multiple save files "just in case".

Known carriers of Type-A Save-itis include: Dark Cloud 2, the Final Fantasy series, Gears of War.

Type B: Peripheral-Driven Save-itis (aka "I Just Cleared Space a Month Ago" Save-itis)

The advent of the removable memory unit created an altogether new strain of Save-itis which rose up due to the variable requirements of software upon these cards. Perhaps the most tragic type of Save-itis due to its ease of prevention, Type-B Save-itis rears its ugly head when a gamer realizes, whether though ignorance or temporary stupidity, that there is not enough space on his or her memory card.

Occurrences of this kind of Save-itis may strike at any time, and are often terrifying. Fortunately, this type has been mostly eradicated by the introduction of external disk drives.

Type C: User-Driven Save-itis ("What Time is It?" Save-itis)

Simultaneously the most irritating and educational form of Save-itis, Type-C Save-itis occurs when a gamer, through no fault of either the game or its memory requirements, simply neglects to save for hours at a time, and then gets their character killed. Completely preventable, Type-C Save-itis says to reckless gamers that life is as fleeting and insubstantial as the wind; that every moment is precious; and that one's triumphs and failures should be commemorated and celebrated for they combine, like Voltron, to constitute the entire substance of their beings.

It also says, "Save your game, dipshit."
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Gaming Maladies, Part Two: Plot Apathy


In this installment of Gaming Maladies, I'm going to examine a phenomenon that has resulted in me putting down far too many games, never to return: simply not giving a shit.

And by "not giving a shit," I don't mean that I don't care if I win or lose, or that I don't care enough to put the time into the game to get better if I get stuck on a difficult part. I mean, more specifically, that I find the characters or plot (or both) so boring, annoying, or completely average that I literally don't care what happens. If every major character suddenly burst into flames, and the in-game world was revealed to be made entirely of cheese curdled from the fetid milk of Yog-Sothoth (is Yog-Sothoth milkable? Does it matter?), I would be no more interested than I was before I put down the controller. Mainly because I totally saw that coming.

So what I'm saying is that I have stopped playing games for the same reason other people stop reading books. Obviously this does not enter in when I'm playing something like Tetris or Peggle (what is the unicorn's motivation, anyway?!), but if a game wants me to "inhabit" a "character", while he or she does "stuff", then either the character or the stuff needs to be interesting. I prefer both, but I am realistic. I have forgiven shoddy gameplay in the interests of plot (Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth), and I have sat through mind-leakingly bad plots because the game was fun (just about everything Capcom releases). But I have occasionally encountered plots so bad or boring that it didn't matter how fun the game was, I just had to walk away. These include, but are not limited to:

1.) The Darkness - I knew there was going to be trouble the first time I saw and heard the main character at the same time. If you've never played this game, the guy looks like Bradford Tatum in The Stoned Age, but sounds like Michael Madsen doing an impression of Joe Mantegna. These two things do not go together. Now the gameplay in The Darkness is not bad, by any means (although I have a bit of a soft spot for games in which your character has tentacles, and I think this will be reflected in the game I am currently developing, Cosmic Squid vs. The Octopods), but the plot did not grab me. I'd try to describe it, but the only thing I remember is that Hell is World War I. It's a pretty bad sign for a game when I realize that I'd rather just go back and watch the rest of To Kill a Mockingbird.

2.) Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots - I did finish MGS4, but this is one of the few games I actually regret finishing because the payoff was so small (hi, Jak and Daxter). By the second or third ending I was wishing everyone would die, and I'm pretty sure that's not what Hideo Kojima was going for (or was he?! Actually, no, it isn't; he only wants you to think he's a postmodern genius. It turns out he's just a Butt Guy). Honestly, I was hoping that everyone would die in the first ending, both because that would have kept the next five endings from happening and because that would have been a pretty effective way to end the series. But sadly, Kojima loves his characters too much to let them die. So much, in fact, that he renders Meryl and Akiba essentially bulletproof. Seriously, they get shot like forty times each and live. That's bullshit.

3.) Jade Empire - I only remember two things about Jade Empire: there were demons that looked like horses but walked like men, and there were no lightsabers. Other than that, I'm going to go way out on a limb and guess that you were trying to save the world.

What I'm getting at with all of this is that plot is becoming a more important component of videogames, and it's gotten so that we can discuss games like we used to discuss books or movies, but with more dead hookers. Or fewer, depending on what you read. But I think that we've reached a point at which plot is at least as crucial for certain genres as controls and handling, and I think developers would be stupid not to devote equal attention to both. For every Uncharted, there are five Gears of Wars (Gearses of War? That's tricky), and I hope one day it becomes the rule that gameplay and graphics are nothing without a meaningful context.

But I am realistic.

Next week: Save-itis.
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Gaming Maladies, Part One: Open-World Paralysis

My Pile of Shame these days is not as bad as it has been in the past, but that might be because I have arbitrarily removed all last-gen games from it and moved them into a new pile, which I will call my Pile of Let Us Never Speak of This Again.

Recently I've been playing Far Cry 2, and because part of me really hates the other part I've been trying to do as much as humanly possible with it. That means finding all of the suitcases with diamonds, completing all cell tower missions, destroying all weapon convoys, rescuing all buddies, unlocking all safe houses, scouting all guard posts, and, when I have time for it, completing all story missions. But really, who has time for that? You know, doing the part of the game that is necessary to completion.

What has curbed my progress in Far Cry 2 more than anything is the knowledge that once I wring all content out of the nine square kilometers of beautiful hi-def Africa in which I am currently operating, there is another nine square kilometers of beautiful hi-def Africa yet to come. And then this whole sick dance starts all over.

It's not that I don't enjoy the game; it's just that there's so much of it. And for some reason when I have too much I can do, I end up not doing anything at all. This is one way that open-world games result in paralysis. The other way is through the fear that despite all of my hours of toil, no matter how many maps I print out and mark with elaborate runes, no matter how painstaking my notes and methods and reading of FAQs gets, I will miss something. Something small. And then I will have to start all over again. I will become Sisyphus, except without all the exercise.

I could move on to one of the other games in my Pile, but guess what they are? GTA4 and Mass Effect. And they come with exactly the same problems. And hey, guess what? I'm planning on getting the Game of the Year Edition of Fallout 3. Why do I do this?

Because I enjoy it, that's why. I don't know if I have OCD or just straight-up hate myself, but I actually like games that demand so much of my attention and require me to do the same thing over and over for 100% completion. If you look at my Gamercard (MUEvan), this point is proven again and again:

1.) All achievements in Bully, even after I spent three days riding around on my go-kart trying to activate errands before I realized that I needed to go and spend fifteen minutes doing boxing matches.

2.) All achievements in LEGO Indiana Jones; LEGO games are the epitome of lather, rinse, repeat.

3.) 100% completion in LEGO Star Wars; see above.

4.) Found all 300 flags in Assassin's Creed.

5.) Found all 1001 Light Seeds in Prince of Persia, AND fought the same guy five times in a row to unlock all of the combos.

6.) Unlocked all combat-based achievements in The Force Unleashed; this involved, among other things, Force-Choking Wookiee after Wookiee for upwards of thirty-five minutes, and then switching to Saber Throws. And then Force Pushes. And so on.

7.) Completed the "Little Rocket Man" achievement in The Orange Box, which involves playing through almost all of Half-Life 2: Episode 2 carrying around a garden gnome without losing it. And, like the One Ring, the little bastard wants to be lost.

I share these things not to impress anyone (because they won't), but because they illustrate half of my problem: the half in which I feel compelled to do these things. The other half is that I don't want to, and I think this is where the Paralysis sets in; it is a mechanism through which I attempt to keep myself from spending my life hunting down Agility Orbs.

And of course, it doesn't work all the time. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play Far Cry 2.
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