Ripped From Tomorrow's Headlines

Ripped From Tomorrow's Headlines

First a note:

In addition to my regular Friday posts on this blog, I will also start contributing to Bitmob in the future. Those posts will probably be less regular (or maybe just less predictable) than these, and I may engage in reposting if I write something here that I am particularly proud of, or if I run out of ideas. But basically I'll still be here, but you can check me out there too. And if I haven't posted anything, there's plenty of other good stuff to read.

And now, on with the show.

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Nintendo Announces Next Console

Company promises "First gaming experience for absolutely everyone"

KYOTO, Japan - Videogame giant Nintendo, manufacturers of the immensely popular Wii console, shocked the industry this week by announcing that it was nearing completion of an entirely new platform. Known internally as "Excalibur," the new hardware was unveiled Thursday morning amidst fanfare, hooplah, and stunned silence.

"I am pleased to announce the next revolution in videogames," said Nintendo president Satoru Iwata, once the dozens of white doves released at his entrance were rounded up. "With this console, we have finally realized our goal of creating a game experience with no obstacles, no barriers to entry. This is truly the first gaming experience for absolutely everyone."

To demonstrate his point, Iwata then lifted a white sheet covering the table beside him to reveal the hardware itself, which looks like a large single-slot toaster with an enormous red button on it.

"The Wii allowed us to create game experiences that brought people together like never before," Iwata continued. "But it wasn't perfect. Some people were still turned off by complicated motion controls and difficult objectives. This new system has neither. In fact, it has no controller at all. The days of having to hold something in your hand to have a meaningful entertainment experience are over. All you have to do is place the software into the console, press the button, and watch the game play itself. No pressure. No need to think. Just you."

Iwata then concluded, saying, "Please allow me to introduce you to the Nintendo Yoo."

In the Q&A that followed, Iwata explained the console's unconventional name (which, in a step up from the name of the current Nintendo console, is pronounced exactly as it is spelled): "Yoo is the next step in entertainment for everyone. Yoo will provide experiences that anyone, regardless of age, gender, physical ability, or vitality, can enjoy. Wii accomplished a lot, but now it's all about Yoo."

Nintendo also announced several dozen titles for the Yoo, all of which will be available at launch. Among them were Thimble Adventures, Book of Poko: The Movie: The Game, and Ninjabread Man 2: The Breadening. However, the biggest shock of the day came when Iwata announced that Nintendo had just signed a deal with Kojima Productions to bring a new version of last year's blockbuster Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots exclusively to the Yoo.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Superfluous will feature dozens of hours of increasingly ridiculous cutscenes and absolutely no gameplay. Hideo Kojima joined Iwata onstage to present the game.

"The future has become the present, and will soon be the past," Kojima said. "It is time for all of us to create a new future, before the old future becomes the new present. This game will do that. Also, it will grant wishes to the pure of heart."

Kojima concluded, "Yoo who? Yoo. That's who," before leaping twenty feet into the air and disappearing behind a roof beam.

We contacted top names in the gaming industry for their thoughts on Nintendo's announcement.

Justin McElroy, Joystiq: "First Demo Play, now this. Nintendo's an effing joke. Why didn't they just make a DVD player? Oh, wait. They did."

Mark Rein, Epic Games: "Fuck this casual shit. Epic is never making games for that system...what do you mean, nobody asked us to?"

Tim Schafer, Double Fine: "Who gave you this number?"

John Davison, What They Play: "My kids think this is the stupidest thing they've ever seen. And they've played Wii Music."

Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime could not be reached for comment, possibly because he could not hear us asking for his thoughts from atop his enormous pile of money.

Representatives from industry rivals Microsoft and Sony held a joint press conference Thursday afternoon, at which they said that they "Wish Nintendo luck in their new venture." They then stood silently on stage for several seconds before bursting into laughter and enthusiastically high-fiving each other.