Dispatch from Albion

Dispatch from Albion

Gamertag used by permission of the holder.  Also, terribly-typed messages are included here as I received/wrote them.

Having completed the main storyline and unlocked all of the achievements from Fable 2, including all of the ones from the downloadable content, I wasn't sure how much more entertainment I could get from the game.  And then I remembered that there is always something happening in Albion, provided one is feeling particularly brave, and has prepared for a double-barreled blast of ignorance and hostility.

Having readied myself, I went into the Game Options Screen and set my Online Orbs to "Everyone."

There are usually plenty of people in Bowerstone's Town Square, but I wasn't seeing any.  I figured what I needed to do was move around a bit, so I went and got a Bounty Hunter mission and headed off to the Bower Lake Camp to kill some Hobbes.

On the way back to Bowerstone I began to see orbs, and I was so glad that my experiment (and Internet) was working that I went up to the first one I saw and gave him 50 gold.  I passed another orb on the road and gave that person some Freshly-Picked Flowers.  I didn't offer any explanation to either of these people, and they didn't say anything.  I was very aware that what I was doing looked, to use a clinical term, balls-out crazy, but that's pretty much why I had to do it.

When I returned to Bowerstone Market, there were orbs everywhere.  I gave the first one a Teddy Bear.  The second one I noticed was a girl and, to avoid her thinking I was some kind of creep, I gave her some Crisp Celery.  Both useful and completely devoid of romantic sentiment, it seemed like the proper gift for a strange hovering orb representing a girl I would never meet.

I gave the next orb a Toy Horse.

"A Toy Horse," my beneficiary said, chuckling.

I clicked off my Mute switch.

"Yep," I said.  "And I have four more where that one came from."

The guy told me that he'd lost his save game when he downloaded the See the Future Content Pack, and now he had to start over with no money and no supplies.  It was the sort of story one might hear from any panhandler, except this particular panhandler looked like a little ball with a picture of 50 Cent in it.  I would have given him some money, but he floated away.

Another guy showed up asking for money, and so, to prove I wasn't heartless (although to whom I was trying to prove this I have no idea), I gave him 100,000 gold.

"Thanks...Moo-Even," he said, completely butchering my Gamertag.

"I hope that will tide you over," I replied, and, like Fitty before him, he darted away like one of those killer balls from Phantasm.

The market was getting pretty busy now; people were talking over each other trying to get dolls or legendary weapons or what they called "spare gold."  Somebody started screaming obscenities, but nobody knew who it was, or what exactly he was so mad at.  Walking around, I saw a guy whose Gamertag contained a racial slur, so I reported him.  Then I gave him a Ragdoll, to show that there were no hard feelings.

Suddenly, someone was singing "Mr. Roboto" by Styx.  Then, just as suddenly (but no less mysteriously), he stopped.  Perhaps someone had murdered him; we'll never know.

Negotiations were taking place; deals were being closed.  Someone said, "If you're gonna rape me, please use a condom."  He received no response.  There was an orb over in the corner by the bar, and it had been in the same place since I'd arrived.  I sent it a Rusty Necklace and ran away.

I came to a stop in front of an orb representing someone whose Gamertag was MidnightTotoro.  This struck me as incredibly cute, so I gave the orb a million gold.  Immediately afterwards, I received a message from someone asking if I had a Maelstrom (which is a rare sword).  I told him I did.  Then I got a message from MidnightTotoro, thanking me for the gold.  I responded saying she was very welcome, but I may have just made her game too easy.

The Sword Guy (I will not be using his Gamertag for several reasons, not the least of which being that it uses numbers for letters, and I'd feel stupid just typing that) sent me an offer of 500,000 gold for the sword.

"Meh," I replied.

I got a message from MidnightTotoro saying that she appreciated the help and that it was "sweet" of me.  So suck on that, last three girlfriends.

A few minutes later Sword Guy responded.

"a mil then?"

"No Temple of Shadows in your game?" I replied.  Then I told MidnightTotoro to go buy herself a castle or something.

Sword Guy came back:  "no im good...ill trade u the enforcer for it"

"Have Enforcer," I said.  "Give 500k to MidnightTotoro and it's yours."

MidnightTotoro sent me a message that yes, she would go buy a castle.

"Hang on," I replied.  "More money for you."

Sword Guy went off trying to find MidnightTotoro (I like to think he was searching frantically, but I have no evidence of that), and I occupied myself by turning the safety off and sniping townspeople.  A while later I noticed Sword Guy's orb darting around, and it finally stopped next to me.  We stayed there for a minute, man and orb, looking like we were awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact while waiting for a bus.  Finally, he just gave me the money.

"can u just give it to them" he said.

I gave him the sword.  I didn't really want to, considering how much trouble this had been, and how many of my virtual wives I'd incinerated to get the thing, but the sword I had equipped was much better anyway.  Also, I was getting kind of tired of talking to that guy.

I received a message from MidnightTotoro saying that, despite the fact that she was standing about two feet from where I was, she couldn't see me.

After I joined her game, and she joined my game, and I got kicked off of XBox Live, and got back in, and then left Bowerstone Market and came back, I was finally able to get her the money.  In the meantime, we talked about how awkward Sword Guy was (his profile says only "BOOBIEZ!!!!"), and she informed me that the Catbus in My Neighbor Totoro has testicles.  I'm going to let that last bit sink in, because if you've seen that movie and didn't notice those nuts, you're sure as hell going to catch them the next time.

And isn't all of this what we love and hate about XBox Live?  It's a place in which people trade imaginary money for imaginary items.  A place where men, fully-grown, will say things like, "Does anybody want to trade?  I'm missing some dolls."

Sure, there are people shouting for no discernible reason, and people whose spelling makes us want to punch a kitten.  But at the end of the day we're all just a bunch of nerds hanging out.  We're on XBox Live because we love videogames and, in many cases, because we lack the social skills to strike up conversations in the real world.  And yes, sometimes talk turns to the genitalia of animated, bus-sized cats.  But that's okay, because I'd rather talk about cat-monster junk than football.

And that's what diversity means to me.

-Evan